


take a chance on me

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 17:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15538989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: Lionel gave him a sad smile. “You might,” she said. “You might have your heart broken again. You might have your heart broken ten more times, Jude, but you can’t let that fear stop you from falling in love again. I know you, Jude, and you like being in love - you like being wanted. Don’t deny yourself that because you’re afraid. Everyone is afraid to put themselves out there once they’ve had their hearts broken, but we all do it over, and over again, all for that hope we might just find someone worth loving.”or, jude and lionel have a conversation and jude sees the value in taking risks. set post 4x04





	take a chance on me

Jude was used to being lonely. He didn’t say that for sympathy’s sake, he really didn’t - it was a fact of life. His name was Jude Kinkade, he was twenty-eight years old, he grew up in Florida, and he had always been lonely.

It was hard not to be, given his life circumstances. Jude had always been a strange kid, messed up by the absence of a father he constantly tried to please, and a mother, who, for all that was good about her, had never really wanted Jude in the first place - she’d wanted his father, she’d wanted Oscar, and instead she got left holding the baby, literally, trapped in a tiny two-bed they could only afford because they got rent vouchers.

Jude had spent his childhood working to get out of there, out of the tiny suburb he’d grown up in, full of kids who’d never liked him and a mom he was only learning to have a relationship with now, at nearly thirty. Jude - he didn’t want to be one of those people who were scarred by their childhood, but it’s not as if he could deny the impact it had on him.

Zero had helped him move past it, a bit. Zero - he’d reached back, he’d done what no one else had done before, and it had meant so much to Jude, but even Zero had left go, in the end, he’d closed the ring box and packed a bag, and he’d left, and he’d left Jude lonely again.

Jude had opened up, and left someone in, and he’d still been left lonely. Where was the fairness in that? Why - why couldn’t he have just ended up happy with Zero, because then at least he wouldn’t be this, a twenty-eight year old man reverting back to who he was as a kid - self-isolating, walls up, trying to protect himself from a world that had never shown him enough love.

The thing was, self-isolating had gotten Jude to where he was today. A full scholarship to university, one as far away from home as he could get, was only gotten because Jude had nothing to focus on in school other than work - no friends, no parties, no love life. Jude had kept to himself, and he’d gotten straight a’s, and he’d left and he’d never looked back.

It had gotten him close enough to get his hands on the Devil’s. Jude knew Jelena had only sold him the team because she’d trusted him, trusted his judgement after a year as her second in command, but Jude had only made EVP by being ruthless, by keeping people at arms length, and throwing them under the bus when he needed to.

And now he had it all.

Jude had a bank balance that still made his heart skip in his chest when he checked it, a million miles from memories of an empty fridge and a mom who was desperate to put anything on the table for her son. Jude had the one thing he’d always dreamed of, the Los Angeles Devils, and his name on the owners office - and all before thirty, Jude one step away from getting himself on the Forbes 30 before 30 list.

But he didn’t have anyone to share it with, and he’d pushed away the one person who’d been willing to try with him, who’d been happy to ease along at Jude’s slow pace, happy to kiss him senseless and listen to Jude’s non-sensical ramblings, as if they made any sense at all.

Jude, he wasn’t an idiot.

He knew Noah could help, if he’d just let him. Noah - Noah was the kind of person you needed to fall in love with, after having your heart broken for the first time. Noah was kind, and funny, and unapologetically himself. He was open in ways Zero had never been, honest and easy to read.

They could have been good. Great, even.

Jude just didn’t know how to go about letting him in.

“Jude, do you want to tell me why my new sideline reporter has spent the last week sitting in the studio looking like his grandmother has just died?” Lionel barged into his office, handbag swinging off her elbow, one eyebrow raised. “I thought he was banging the happiness into you. Or you were banging the happiness into him,” she sat down on the edge of Jude’s desk, giving him an expectant look.

“I ended things,” Jude said simply, hoping against hope this would be the first time in Lionel’s life she wouldn’t push.

“And why would you do that?”

“He - he asked about Zero,” Jude admitted, looking down at his hands, at the watch that sat there. He’d gotten rid of the watch Zero had given him - he’d given it to Lionel, and told her to never tell him where she’d sold it. The watch that was there now, that was his, really his.

He’d bought it six months after Zero left him. Jude wasn’t sure if it was a ‘I’m surviving present’ or if it was his subconscious trying to replace every gap Zero left in his life with something new, but he’d bought it, all the same, an expensive, heavy watch that reminded him every day that he’d worked for this, that he was doing it all by himself.

“And you freaked out,” Lionel said knowingly, standing up and smoothing down the length of her skirt, moving to root in one of Jude’s cupboards, producing a bottle of whiskey.

“Lionel, I don’t need a drink.”

“Oh, this is for me,” Lionel said, taking a swig of the amber liquid before she pulled a chair up next to Jude, fixing him with a serious look as she sat down. “You are letting a man who left you control your life, Jude.”

“I’m - no, I’m not!” Jude blustered, shaking his head.

“Jude,” Lionel fixed him with that all too familiar listen to me, because you know I’m right look. “What reason have you got not to pursue dating Noah?”

“He’s not trustworthy!” Jude exclaimed. “He said it himself, he’s a walking live mic.”

“That didn’t bother you for the last month and a half, did it?” Lionel inclined her head slightly, giving Jude an expectant look. “So. I’ll say it again - what reason have you got not to pursue dating Noah? He’s gorgeous, he clearly cares about you. You’re self sabotaging if you ask me. And for what? A man who left you?”

“Stop - stop saying that,” Jude shook his head, unable to keep the emotion out of his voice.

“Why?” Lionel asked simply. “It’s the truth, Jude. Zero left you, and for the last eighteen months, you’ve been living in a ghost of a relationship, waiting for him to come back and sweep you off your feet. But he’s not coming back, Jude.”

“Lionel, don’t.” Jude could feel his eyes filling with tears as Lionel spoke, her words far too real for him to handle.

“I let you grieve it, these past eighteen months,” Lionel didn’t seem to hear him. “But I’m not going to let you throw something that has the potential to be good away, all because you’re clinging to Zero.”

“I don’t know how to let him go,” Jude admitted, his voice wobbling. “I don’t know how to move on, Lionel. I loved him so much - I would have done anything to make him stay.”

Lionel gave him a sympathetic look, taking one of his hands in her own. “You can’t make someone stay if they don’t want to stay, Jude,” she said softly. “Love is hard, and first love, it’s the worst. Zero was your first love, and a part of you is never going to be able to let that go - it’s like that for everyone. But you have got to let yourself take those first steps, and move on.”

“What if I get my heart broken again?” Jude felt like a child, as he spoke, asking Lionel to answer the one question that had been whirling around his brain the past few days.

Lionel gave him a sad smile. “You might,” she said. “You might have your heart broken again. You might have your heart broken ten more times, Jude, but you can’t let that fear stop you from falling in love again. I know you, Jude, and you like being in love - you like being wanted. Don’t deny yourself that because you’re afraid. Everyone is afraid to put themselves out there once they’ve had their hearts broken, but we all do it over, and over again, all for that hope we might just find someone worth loving.”

Jude let Lionel’s words wash over him, the two of them sitting quietly for a few moments. “I don’t want to be lonely anymore, Lionel,” he admitted, wiping roughly at his eyes.

Lionel brushed his hair away from his forehead, her smile still a sympathetic one. “Then don’t make yourself lonely, Jude.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took Jude days, to gather up the courage to go and find Noah. He knew he’d hurt the other man, blown him off when all Noah was trying to do was be there for him, be the person Jude opened up to.

But he found his courage, eventually.

“Have you got five minutes?” Jude asked, spotting himself on screen as he entered the ISN studio, Noah clearly still working on the piece on Jude that was due to air soon.

Noah’s expression was unreadable as he nodded, leaning back in his chair.

“I, uh - brought you M&Ms,” Jude offered Noah the family sized bag he’d stopped off at the grocery store for that morning, remembering one of the first conversations they’d ever had. “Your favourite, right?”

Noah didn’t move to take them.

“I…” Jude shifted from foot to foot, nervous. “The first time my mom ever told me she loved me, I was fifteen. We’d gotten in a car accident, and my leg was trapped under the dash. “It took her ten more years to say it for the second time. I grew up into the kind of person Oscar would have wanted me to be - distant, cold.”

“You’ve never seemed cold to me,” Noah finally spoke, his brow furrowed.

“You know the me that was in love, once,” Jude fiddled with the plastic packaging of the candy, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say. “Gideon - Zero, he showed me what love was, really was for the first time, and then he left me. Thats why the breakup was private, Noah, because he left me - I asked him to marry me, and he said no.”

Noah stood up, his unreadable expression melting into one of concern.

“Everyone else - they have their first love when they’re a teenager, right? So next time you get your heart broken, when you’re older, you’re ready for it,” Jude said, willing himself to hold back tears. “Zero was my first love. I thought he was going to be the only man I ever loved, but he isn’t. Zero isn’t coming back, and part of me hasn’t accepted that.”

“I can’t compete with a guy who isn’t here, Jude,” Noah shook his head. “I won’t. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not going to be your second choice.”

“You’re not my second choice,” Jude shook his head. “God, Noah - you’re the first person who’s made me feel anything since Zero and I broke up, and thats terrifying. I feel like I’m barely over getting my heart broken for the first time, and all of a sudden I want you, I want to let you in, and that gives you the power to break my heart again, and a part of me thinks I won’t handle it again.”

Noah took the M&Ms from Jude, setting them down on the desk. “You could break my heart too, you know,” he said, the two of them practically nose to nose. “But thats an if, a maybe. We can’t see the future, Jude, and I can’t stand here and tell you if we’re going to be together in six months, or sixty years. I don’t know that, and neither do you.”

“That’s the scary part,” Jude admitted, letting out a nervous laugh.

Noah rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “You’re such a control freak, Jude.”

Jude nodded. “I know - I know I am, and I know I’m a lot to handle, and I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Dragging you into my mess.”

Noah glanced over his shoulder, the editing software paused on a photo of Jude’s face. “That day, when I found out who you were - I spent all evening googling you, finding out your story. There wasn’t much about you online - from South Florida, Duke University grad, ex-sports agent.”

“I might have been a serial killer,” Jude joked, knowing exactly how little there was about his life online. He’d made a point, over the years, to be the guy standing in the background, the one nobody noticed.

Now - now he wanted to be noticed.

“Jury is still out on that one,” Noah grinned. “You intrigue me, Jude, and I want to get to you better - outside of sex. I want something real with you, but you need to take a chance on me to have that. Otherwise, we’re both going to end up heartbroken, and that’s  _no_  fun.”

Jude was quiet for a second. “Is dating ever not terrifying?”

Noah laughed, the kind of laugh that lit up his whole face, his eyes crinkling around the edges. “No,” he shook his head. “But it does get a whole lot easier if you open up, Jude.”

“I’m trying,” Jude offered, a little nervous now. “I’m really bad at this, at dating. It was never easy, with Zero, and you just tell me was you want, and its new for me - but I want to try, Noah. I’m tired of letting someone who left me, control my happiness.”

“You might be really bad at dating,” Noah smirked, hands on Jude’s waist, rumpling the material of his suit jacket. “But you’re very good at sex.”

Jude laughed. “You only want me for my body, right?”

Noah winked, guiding Jude to the second desk chair. “I know what’s under those suits you always wear, Jude, and I’m not going to hide how into it all I am,” he tore open the packet of M&Ms, popping a handful into his mouth. “So - is it too soon for me to ask you to tell me about your teenage years and how much they damaged you, or?”

Jude snuck a hand into the packet of M&Ms, lobbing one at Noah’s head. “You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re wasting perfectly good chocolate!” Noah feigned offence, eating the M&M that had landed on his shirt. “I think this is the final straw for me, Jude, I can’t date you anymore - wasting chocolate is a cardinal sin.”

Jude couldn’t wipe the smile from his face as he looked at Noah, the other man so bright and happy that the entire studio felt alive. He was unlike anyone Jude had ever met, and Jude wanted him.

Jude wanted him in all the ways that could break his heart, in the end - because Lionel was right. Love was worth the risks, because what was the point in Jude having everything he’d ever wanted if he had no one to share it with?

Noah mightn’t be the love of Jude’s life. Zero wasn’t.

But he was out there somewhere, and Jude - well, he owed it to the kid he used to be to take every risk and try and find him.


End file.
